Ask The Shadchan: How Much Does My Past Affect My Marriage?

Tzippy Friedman:

A whole lot.

All of our past experiences and what we are exposed to make us who we are and affect how we build our future lives.

The beauty in a marriage is, that we both come with our challenges, baggage, and great stuff too.

We then work with each other, helping one another to grow, and learning our differences through communicating.

When we go through this process the magic happens.

When two people meet, can accept their faults and differences, learn the good from each other, and grow from their challenging pasts, then they become one powerful couple. 💕

We are constantly taking the good from each other and working on becoming better spouses, by accepting our faults and traumas and working through them.

A person who has a more challenging past, and grows from it becomes a resilient, strong loving spouse.

As the Rebbes say, G-d gives us Challenges only to make us grow and become better human beings.

Rivkie Raichik:

One thing I would add is if you are asking about past negative actions, not circumstances, we believe in the concept of teshuva and personal transformation.

A person's past does not define their entire being. A person can work to overcome past mistakes or negative patterns, emerging stronger, wiser, and more refined.

Whether this is about your personal past or a potential partner's past, it can be a valuable teacher, but it should not be the sole determining factor. What's most important is their present character, actions and commitment to growth as an individual and with the other person.

It is important to seek professional guidance if the past is negatively affecting the present.

Chani Myhill:

I believe it varies from person to person. Everyone has a past that influences who they are, but in the search for our other half, finding the right match can enhance certain qualities in one another. When we make our list of criteria (perhaps considering their background, sense of humor, etc.), much can change upon meeting that person.

The chemistry can bring out and amplify specific traits in each other, which is why they say "opposites attract." Naturally, if challenges arise, it's important to work through them, but sometimes diverse backgrounds can add something interesting to a relationship. Each partner may offer life experiences that benefit the other. In some instances, couples might consider premarital therapy if necessary, and some even do this routinely.

Additionally, someone with a challenging background may have worked on themselves significantly, developing strengths and resilience, making them a remarkable person with depth and insight. While someone with a flawless past might not have had to work on themselves as much and could struggle more when life's challenges arise, yet they might bring stability to the relationship.

There are many variables, and chemistry plays a crucial role in finding the right partner. It goes without saying that in extreme cases of significant issues, checking references can be very useful to understand these matters beforehand and know what you are getting into.