Question:
I am in my late thirties and still single. I have met dozens of women, but none are right for me. I know what you are going to say: I am too fussy. But I can’t just settle on something half good. Where is the woman of my dreams?
Answer:
It doesn’t make sense. You are a wonderful person with so much to offer. Why are you still alone?
There could be many reasons why someone may find it hard to find a partner. But I think in your case the answer is simple. You’re married already. You are not available, because you are involved in a longstanding intimate relationship with an imaginary Ms. Perfect. You have an exact picture in your mind of the perfect woman, and you are so in love with that picture that you are not open to anyone else. No matter how great the girl is, she can’t compare to your dream.
You have become stuck inside a bubble with your imaginary love, and are not really open to real people. So, you haven’t really met dozens of women—you never actually meet anyone. You see them not for who they are, but rather for who they are not—the imaginary Ms Perfect. A relationship means connecting with an other, someone who is not you. You can’t have a relationship with a figment of your own imagination, or with your own assumed caricature of another person. You need to step out of your imagination, suspend your prejudices and really open yourself to someone else. Let yourself be surprised. Otherwise, the woman of your dreams will stay right where she is—in your dreams.
I apologize if my answer is harsh. I just want to burst your bubble, because there is a real person out there waiting for you to meet her. She deserves it. So do you.
By Aron Moss Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.